Have you ever had a moment where you wished you could just disappear? Maybe you made a mistake at work, lost your temper with your child, or felt like you didn’t measure up to the expectations placed on you as a parent or spouse. That sinking feeling in your chest, that voice saying, “I’m not good enough”—that’s shame talking. Shame can hit especially hard in relationships and parenting. It thrives on self-judgment and fear of being judged by those we care about the most. Whether it’s guilt over an argument with your partner or feeling like you’ve failed as a parent, shame can make you feel small, isolated, and disconnected. But here’s the thing: shame doesn’t have to define you, nor your relationships or your role as a parent. There are ways to recognize and work through it, allowing you to move forward with more self-compassion. Here are four practical steps to help you navigate through shame:

Recognize When Shame Shows Up

In relationships, shame can show up when we feel we’re not doing enough, or we worry that we’ve let our loved ones down. Maybe you’ve snapped at your partner after a long day or felt overwhelmed by the chaos of parenting. Take note of when these feelings arise. What triggers them? Are you feeling judged or like you’re not living up to certain standards? Recognizing when and where shame creeps in is the first step in taking back control.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

When shame hits, our instinct is often to beat ourselves up: “Why do I always mess up?” or “I’m just not good enough.” But ask yourself, would you talk to a friend that way? Probably not. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of being human, and that you’re doing your best you can, and relationships don’t come with an instruction manual.

Challenge the Stories Shame Tells You

Shame often convinces us that our mistakes define us or that we’re not worthy. But take a moment to ask yourself: Is that really true? Did that one argument or misstep really mean you’re not enough? More often than not, shame distorts reality, making things feel bigger or worse than they are. Challenging those thoughts and recognizing that your mistakes don’t define you can help you gain a more balanced perspective.

Talk to Someone You Trust

Shame thrives in secrecy. The more we hide it, the bigger it gets. But when you open up to someone—whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a therapist—you take away some of its power. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares can help you gain a fresh perspective. You’ll likely find that others can relate more than you think, and hearing that you’re not alone can make a big difference.

Moving Forward

Shame is something we all experience, but it doesn’t have to shape your life or your relationships. By acknowledging it, practicing self-compassion, challenging your inner critic, and opening up to others, you can begin to heal and move forward. The process may take time, but with patience and support, you can let go of shame and live a life filled with more self-acceptance and emotional freedom. You’re human, and being human means making mistakes. But it also means having the capacity to grow, learn, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships—with others and with yourself.